Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised