Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Meow
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.