My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.