if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
How your email finds me
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
just pretend nothing happened
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever