My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*