I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You Might Also Like
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*