[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.