Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
🤣dope
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey