[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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they split up moments later
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?