If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
prepare for carbonated trouble
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My whole life was a lie.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators