Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants