Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual