Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.