me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Always
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???