Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
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How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
wtf management?!
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”