We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Proctology is located in A55
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE