I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact