I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?