Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*