[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”