My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I am also baked goods
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Stop it! 😂
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi