Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.