Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics