I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”