ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good