Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
You Might Also Like
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Dishonest mechanic?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.