Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?