I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Word.
~ Microsoft.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.