Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.