My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
adam and eve had first world problems
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
shut up and take my money
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now