This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Look at this
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.