It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
pep talk
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Smallpox sounds so adorable