Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You Might Also Like
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.