ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
He wanted to make sure😂
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt