Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth