Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.