I have never heard an armadillo before.
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Waiting for the Charmin
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end