*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Am I having a stroke?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Meow?
⛄️
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait