WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.