Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
the noise i just made
who wore it better?
Hell yeah 👍
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.