Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
my dad has had enough
“The Perfect Relationship”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
When the stylist spins you back around
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.