*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“you recording!?”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene