The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Not all heroes wear capes.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise