Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Body by sandwich.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…