My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Lunatics are gonna loon.
War & Peace
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on