Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*