Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“How’s your day going?”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.