Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.