Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
#parenting
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.