* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*